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I’d like you to know that sometimes it’s not always easy for me to love you. It’s challenging to love the always changing. It’s challenging to see past your masquerade. My most loving lovers, it’s not your fault. It’s me that doesn’t see. I have been blinded by clouds of emotions I don’t see you. I have asked the sun to shine on you so I can see you with perfect clarity. You’re just perfect the way you are. I love you.

The song doesn’t really describe what I feel completely. Pretty close, though. It’s dedicated to all my most loving lovers.

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”-Rumi

-D

 

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Most of us have heard the phrase “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. In the impatient, busy, noisy, and fast world, this is a very difficult thing to do. We’ll say we simply don’t have time , for example, to look someone in the eyes and recognize us in them. We get caught up with what we think as mundane, same old same old routine activities/work, not enough time for everybody etc. I am sure I am one of them. We get physically, emotionally, and spiritually tired. We just want to crash and take a break. But hey, what you do matter. Quite a few people have shown me that.

One case scenario: I was in in the hospital needing the bathroom badly because my bladder was screaming and I felt so nauseated. So I rang the bell asking for someone to help me out. Yes I wished I was just healthy and strong so I didn’t need to push the button and have someone help me. Asking for help is not one of my biggest qualities even though I subconsciously know there are plenty of people out there willing to help. Somehow I think I don’t want to bother people despite the fact that some people’s jobs are specifically to help people who directly need them. Anyway, a nursing aide was there looking like she was about to help me. Didn’t really look at me and just let me walk into the bathroom myself with her walking behind me. I didn’t even reach the toilet bowl yet when I could no longer control my nausea and vomited. That was it and she disappeared. Not a single word. No help, no sympathy, no empathy (so I thought). I tried to reason that she really had a bad day, had other pressing matters (more important case to deal with) etc etc. I tried to justify why she didn’t seem to care. One thing I couldn’t help? Feeling disappointed (more so than angry). But I learned my lesson: she showed me how NOT to be.

angeldevil

Which one? That is the question.

Second case scenario: This sweet talking, outgoing coworker lady who managed to borrow a few hundreds $ from me more than a decade ago. I wasn’t rich and this was my temp job. Every penny counted but my “weaker self” kinda felt bad for her. She needed the money and she probably knew how to use the naive me to lend her what she needed. She could cry all right, and those tears didn’t look like crocodile tears. So I did give her the money. I was no longer doing the temp work at the company and she seemed to “forget” that she owed anything. I even fell into her trap to give her cash so there wasn’t anything to track it. The money meant a lot to me but the fact that someone could manipulate someone else so NATURALLY like it was nothing just well…baffled me. Nonetheless. lesson learned: she showed me how NOT to be.

We are all teachers. It’s up to us to show others how to be…or not to be.

-D

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His name is Steven. He never failed to walk in front of our house everyday on the way to see his sick wife who had been living down the road in an adult group home (a place where they take care of mostly elderly people who can’t take care of themselves, usually because of physical and/or mental chronic illnesses). Rain or shine, we often saw him in the morning and back up the road to catch the bus home in the evening.

It wasn’t very often he stopped by (usually when he did, he asked for some flowers that grew in our yard or  hubby offered him some to bring to his wife)–whom, according to Steven, was half blind and had severe dementia.

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Today my hubby told me that he chatted a bit with Steven, who told him that they (the place where his wife had been living) just put her on hospice or palliative care because she quit eating and drinking. Hospice is a program where medical personnel along with the patient (who is still cognitively able to think and make decisions), family members/caregivers agree to just give palliative care for a smooth transition to death. No hospital is needed when they’re sick. No treatments other than comfort treatments and care (usually to alleviate pain and sufferings) The team of hospice usually includes a doctor, nurse, nurse assistant, chaplain/pastor (or whoever they ask for religious/spiritual support) who come every so often to the patient’s residence (be it their own home, hospital, assisted living, nursing home etc) to monitor their condition. Occasionally, a patient in hospice lives more months/years than expected. Sometimes they get better, too. Often they transition to their eternal home within days/weeks or months.

When someone like Steve’s wife quit eating and drinking, it usually doesn’t take long to transition home….It’s just a matter of (short) time and hopefully, a quick, easy and peaceful one.

Update: Steven’s wife condition was getting worse so he had her transferred to another home. I haven’t seen him since.

(Picture taken by me. Being cautious, I don’t use Steven’s real name)

-D

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It’s been too long since I checked this poor old blog but here I am! Confession: The other social networking sites are more addictive, engaging and fun though they’re also mentally tiring and noisy.

Anyway, I have been talking to God lately. Not sure He or She answers, but (stubbornly) I keep talking. Maybe He’ll give me insights and She’ll show me the way. Tell Her I am confused. Life has been happening and I have been pondering…again and again. I mean, there’s gotta be some hidden meanings behind all this roller coaster of ups and downs, joy and sorrow? I watch random news on TV talking about people on a faraway land and I wonder…who are they? What’s their life like? What do they do? What do they usually eat? Are they happy? I am also a part of them–I have my share of bittersweet moments on Earth–and I am just a person with a story. If we are the same, why are we so different?

Maybe because it’s easy to subconsciously judge people by certain things. In the physical reality, physical things are often the first and foremost. Lots of money and power will get you noticed and respected. Even the appearance of what looks like a lot of money and power still get you noticed and respected. Try looking like a homeless person and see if you still get noticed and respected.

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But we all strive to be happy, whatever happiness means for any of us. Money, beautiful things, beautiful faces, warm beds, loyal friends, fabulous spouses, decent clothes to wear and place to stay. For some, happiness is as simple as being able to drink fresh, clean water or away from dangerous living environment (warzone, areas of conflict) For some others, it’s more stuff. There is nothing wrong in all of them. In the end, we just want to be happy.

I wish I could say I am non judgemental and see everybody else as God’s sacred manifestation of Himself or Herself. NOT easy. I’d like to call myself “a work in progress” though, trying to acknowledge everyone I come into contact with the same respect no matter who they are or what they do or what they look like. Trying to secretly unveil the beauty of what doesn’t look like a beautiful sight. It almost feels like trying to stay thankful and grateful for whatever comes your way even though you really don’t like the what’s happening. Extremely challenging (so help me God)

Ok, I’ll quit rambling for now.

(Pic taken from Google Images)

-D

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I don’t have words to describe God. How can I describe the indescribable?

Words are meaningless. When a certain meaning in one language very often can’t even be accurately interpreted in another, how can one even describe the “allness” and “everythingness” of God. S/he is beyond words.

 People try to define God, but what they have is the concept of God they have created overtime—consciously or subconsciously—from all kinds of different sources. Their experiences with other people, religious upbringings, social/cultural influences etc etc. Mine is no exception.

Mythology Aquarius

“Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you. Unfold your own myth.”

 Do I believe in whatever called God? I believe I do—but I don’t feel the need to explain. The belief of God is too personal to describe. I do, however, don’t think that “God” needs me to come to His/Her Kingdom by doing certain things. I don’t believe God has ever asked me to do something in order for me to be worthy of His/Her blessings. That’s what human beings do:  “Do something for me and I will reward you in return.” I am not sure that’s what God does. I am not sure God ever judges me, that’s what human beings do. They have the tendency to judge. The thing is, too often I hear human beings talk about God, and then make Him/Her get down to their level. Oh well humans (that’s including me), the allness and everythingness is the Know It All. Do you know it all?

 What’s wrong with doing something for the sake of your own goodness? I am quite positive this “inkling” of what is morally right and wrong comes from somewhere (i.e God?) for us to use. Unfortunately what is intrinsically right is usually the most difficult and or challenging to do! (Who said Jesus led an easy life?)

 All I know, this God of mine has always seemingly given me what I want and honestly, I am very often not wise enough to know what I want, exactly. But S/he never fails—S/he always answer my prayers.

  -D

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I know I’ve been a year older since my last writing and my reason is pretty lame: I’ve been caught up in the daily, sometimes mundane life. Have a lot of thoughts but nothing comes out in writing. Days, months and another year have passed me by and now, listening to memorable old songs, I ask myself again: Where have all the days gone? Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing?

My dog is getting older, not sure if he’s wiser—but he’s seen three summers now.

Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the flowers gone? Young girls have picked them everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?  (Peter, Paul, Mary)

Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the flowers gone? Young girls have picked them everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?  (Peter, Paul, Mary)

(more…)

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It’s been a while since my last blog…

 Winnie the cockatiel had to be put down to sleep due to his illness on November 15. Didn’t take him long to draw the last breath after the injection. Then the heart stopped. Just like that, and he was gone peacefully–because it looked like he was smiling and appeared peaceful in his deep sleep. I’d like to think that he passed away painlessly, in peace and happier now wherever he is and whatever he does—my curious mind always wonders what happens to these little critters after their little bodies are gone. Do they go to the rainbow bridge? Do they know they are in a different realm? Or maybe they are still here, it’s just I can’t see them with my physical eyes or listen to them with my physical ears.

 I hadn’t been emotionally very close to Winnie for the past year or so (my hubby had been taking care of him for the most part) but Winnie still leaves an empty hole inside me. Can see no more Winnie and the only consolation I have is the faith that somehow, someway I will see him again. He was a good bird and these days I have been missing him terribly. But sooner or later, we all have to let go of all physical existence and move on to the unknown while life as we know it on Earth will continue to go on.

 Rest in Peace, my little bird. Till we meet again.

“And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!”-Charles Dickens

-D

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