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When I was a child, I remember my father used to say to me that “God is everywhere” but I didn’t quite understand what that meant and he didn’t really elaborate.

I’ve been contemplating during this pandemic and there are moments when I am laughing at myself for being blind for so long. Of course God is everywhere, look around me. Those crows, bluejays, squirrels, bees, leeches, worms, variety of plants and flowers, clouds, mountains, river, humans…are those not God in Her physical forms? She knows who She is even though the forms may not. I laughed at the fact when I was fascinated by some aliens from another universe and the mystery of the stars, galaxies etc when here it is…right in front of me: Everything, including myself, are fascinating creation.

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There are moments when I just “know” that this is all a dream–like those moments when I look up at the vast open sky or watch a bunch of birds flying, squirrels jumping from one tree to another, flowers blooming (when does that happen?), trees bearing fruit (how does that happen?) My eyes don’t always see the process of them growing and maturing but somehow they grow from the now moment to the next now moment. I don’t see different things, I’ve always seen these everyday phenomena but guess what–I never really “see”.

I’ve seen and met various people, events, circumstances etc that I label good/bad, joy/sorrow, pain/pleasure, rich/poor, useless/useful, pretty/ugly and much more but who differentiates? If God is just and fair, would She discriminate? If everything comes from God like I’ve been told, then nothing is apart from Her including those “bad people”. I have to quote what I read from Ramana Maharshi here: It’s the act (not the actor)–because even a thief hates theft. Thieves don’t like it when someone steals something from them. These “bad people” hate the same actions done by them if they happen to them.

“The greatest error of a man is to think that he is weak by nature, evil by nature. Every man is divine and strong in his real nature. What are weak and evil are his habits, his desires and thoughts, but not himself.”
― Ramana Maharshi

Pretty and ugly? It’s the mind talking and making judgement. Rich and poor? The mind talking and making judgement. Useless and useful? Again, the mind talking and making judgement. Ok, I have had cancer and the “society” tells me it’s a bad thing and they’re sorry. I happened to think so but nowadays I have been thinking neither. It is what it is and I don’t need my mind to talk and make judgements too much because it’s pretty useless, really.

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I understand that the society we live in generally has their own standards of what is desirable (lots of money, good looks, popularity etc are just a few examples of them) Again, who differentiates? God surely doesn’t come to me and tell me that He does.

Anyway, if cancer is neither good nor bad then what?

Now i understand a little bit about what J.Krishnamurti meant when he revealed his “enlightenment” secret. He said ” I do not mind what happens.” Translate it literally, he DOESN’T mind it. Let the mind out of it (talking and making judgment)

Ok, back to God…now that God is everywhere (my own conclusion), then I am one of Her manifested form . She wants to experience Herself as me and nobody else. The best course for me is to let Her use me however She pleases–no point of wanting to be someone else when She’s right here, called “I”.

-D

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I’d like you to know that sometimes it’s not always easy for me to love you. It’s challenging to love the always changing. It’s challenging to see past your masquerade. My most loving lovers, it’s not your fault. It’s me that doesn’t see. I have been blinded by clouds of emotions I don’t see you. I have asked the sun to shine on you so I can see you with perfect clarity. You’re just perfect the way you are. I love you.

The song doesn’t really describe what I feel completely. Pretty close, though. It’s dedicated to all my most loving lovers.

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”-Rumi

-D

 

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Most of us have heard the phrase “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. In the impatient, busy, noisy, and fast world, this is a very difficult thing to do. We’ll say we simply don’t have time , for example, to look someone in the eyes and recognize us in them. We get caught up with what we think as mundane, same old same old routine activities/work, not enough time for everybody etc. I am sure I am one of them. We get physically, emotionally, and spiritually tired. We just want to crash and take a break. But hey, what you do matter. Quite a few people have shown me that.

One case scenario: I was in in the hospital needing the bathroom badly because my bladder was screaming and I felt so nauseated. So I rang the bell asking for someone to help me out. Yes I wished I was just healthy and strong so I didn’t need to push the button and have someone help me. Asking for help is not one of my biggest qualities even though I subconsciously know there are plenty of people out there willing to help. Somehow I think I don’t want to bother people despite the fact that some people’s jobs are specifically to help people who directly need them. Anyway, a nursing aide was there looking like she was about to help me. Didn’t really look at me and just let me walk into the bathroom myself with her walking behind me. I didn’t even reach the toilet bowl yet when I could no longer control my nausea and vomited. That was it and she disappeared. Not a single word. No help, no sympathy, no empathy (so I thought). I tried to reason that she really had a bad day, had other pressing matters (more important case to deal with) etc etc. I tried to justify why she didn’t seem to care. One thing I couldn’t help? Feeling disappointed (more so than angry). But I learned my lesson: she showed me how NOT to be.

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Which one? That is the question.

Second case scenario: This sweet talking, outgoing coworker lady who managed to borrow a few hundreds $ from me more than a decade ago. I wasn’t rich and this was my temp job. Every penny counted but my “weaker self” kinda felt bad for her. She needed the money and she probably knew how to use the naive me to lend her what she needed. She could cry all right, and those tears didn’t look like crocodile tears. So I did give her the money. I was no longer doing the temp work at the company and she seemed to “forget” that she owed anything. I even fell into her trap to give her cash so there wasn’t anything to track it. The money meant a lot to me but the fact that someone could manipulate someone else so NATURALLY like it was nothing just well…baffled me. Nonetheless. lesson learned: she showed me how NOT to be.

We are all teachers. It’s up to us to show others how to be…or not to be.

-D

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His name is Steven. He never failed to walk in front of our house everyday on the way to see his sick wife who had been living down the road in an adult group home (a place where they take care of mostly elderly people who can’t take care of themselves, usually because of physical and/or mental chronic illnesses). Rain or shine, we often saw him in the morning and back up the road to catch the bus home in the evening.

It wasn’t very often he stopped by (usually when he did, he asked for some flowers that grew in our yard or  hubby offered him some to bring to his wife)–whom, according to Steven, was half blind and had severe dementia.

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Today my hubby told me that he chatted a bit with Steven, who told him that they (the place where his wife had been living) just put her on hospice or palliative care because she quit eating and drinking. Hospice is a program where medical personnel along with the patient (who is still cognitively able to think and make decisions), family members/caregivers agree to just give palliative care for a smooth transition to death. No hospital is needed when they’re sick. No treatments other than comfort treatments and care (usually to alleviate pain and sufferings) The team of hospice usually includes a doctor, nurse, nurse assistant, chaplain/pastor (or whoever they ask for religious/spiritual support) who come every so often to the patient’s residence (be it their own home, hospital, assisted living, nursing home etc) to monitor their condition. Occasionally, a patient in hospice lives more months/years than expected. Sometimes they get better, too. Often they transition to their eternal home within days/weeks or months.

When someone like Steve’s wife quit eating and drinking, it usually doesn’t take long to transition home….It’s just a matter of (short) time and hopefully, a quick, easy and peaceful one.

Update: Steven’s wife condition was getting worse so he had her transferred to another home. I haven’t seen him since.

(Picture taken by me. Being cautious, I don’t use Steven’s real name)

-D

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It’s been too long since I checked this poor old blog but here I am! Confession: The other social networking sites are more addictive, engaging and fun though they’re also mentally tiring and noisy.

Anyway, I have been talking to God lately. Not sure He or She answers, but (stubbornly) I keep talking. Maybe He’ll give me insights and She’ll show me the way. Tell Her I am confused. Life has been happening and I have been pondering…again and again. I mean, there’s gotta be some hidden meanings behind all this roller coaster of ups and downs, joy and sorrow? I watch random news on TV talking about people on a faraway land and I wonder…who are they? What’s their life like? What do they do? What do they usually eat? Are they happy? I am also a part of them–I have my share of bittersweet moments on Earth–and I am just a person with a story. If we are the same, why are we so different?

Maybe because it’s easy to subconsciously judge people by certain things. In the physical reality, physical things are often the first and foremost. Lots of money and power will get you noticed and respected. Even the appearance of what looks like a lot of money and power still get you noticed and respected. Try looking like a homeless person and see if you still get noticed and respected.

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But we all strive to be happy, whatever happiness means for any of us. Money, beautiful things, beautiful faces, warm beds, loyal friends, fabulous spouses, decent clothes to wear and place to stay. For some, happiness is as simple as being able to drink fresh, clean water or away from dangerous living environment (warzone, areas of conflict) For some others, it’s more stuff. There is nothing wrong in all of them. In the end, we just want to be happy.

I wish I could say I am non judgemental and see everybody else as God’s sacred manifestation of Himself or Herself. NOT easy. I’d like to call myself “a work in progress” though, trying to acknowledge everyone I come into contact with the same respect no matter who they are or what they do or what they look like. Trying to secretly unveil the beauty of what doesn’t look like a beautiful sight. It almost feels like trying to stay thankful and grateful for whatever comes your way even though you really don’t like the what’s happening. Extremely challenging (so help me God)

Ok, I’ll quit rambling for now.

(Pic taken from Google Images)

-D

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